I just hacked George Lucas’s computer and found what looks like the latest script for his follow up to the Star Wars saga.
Source: Luminous Landscape Forum
Written by DiaAzul (screen name)

Raw Wars – Episode 7, Empire Resurrection

Darth Vader having been vanquished, the empire retreats and the rebels establish a new Republic. However, in a dark corner of the galaxy a new threat is growing in the shape of Darth Nikon intent on making the Empire the force that it once was.

Scene 1
General Lackey : “Darth Nikon, we have prepared the encryption as you requested. Would you like us to release it now?”

Darth Nikon: “Yes. Once I have encrypted the RAW then the Republic will be totally under my control. We can rebuild the Empire and stifle any hope of democracy .”

General Lackey: “As you wish my lord; and the plans for tax and licensing?”

Darth Nikon: “No, keep that secret for the time being. First I need to crush the openRAW alliance. Then power will be all mine.”

One of the consoles starts bleeping and flashing.

Console Lackey: “Lord Vader, we have identified the rebel base. It is somewhere on the west coast of America.”

Darth Nikon: “Good. Transmit the co-ordinates to the PR group and prepare to jump to hyper drive.”

Scene 2
In their secret rebel hide out somewhere not too far from Area-51, Dan Skywalker and Rob2D2 are working on ways around Darth Nikon’s diabolical scheme.

Rob2D2: “Bleep, bloop, bleep, bleep”.

Dan Skywalker: “Try tuning up the control panel Rob2, we need to get more power out of the xGrid.”

One of the Mac units sparks and goes up in smoke.

Dan Skywalker: “Not again, every time we try to process one of these Nikon files it just seems to take forever and then the xGrid blows. Perhaps when we get the new software update from Princess Adobe we will have more success.”

Rob2D2: “Bloopity bloop bloop”

Dan Skywalker: “Yes perhaps the key from General Google was faulty, but we have no choice at the moment.”

The ethereal voice of Obi-Wienke-Kenobi resonates around the room.

Obi-Wienke-Kenobi: “Dan, Dan, do you feel the disturbance in the RAW? The Empire is getting stronger again.”

Dan Skywalker: “Ben, yes I feel it to. It would appear that the Empire is trying to reassert its control over our freedoms.”

Obi-Wienke-Kenobi: “You must travel to the High Sierras to complete your training, only then will you be ready to face Darth Nikon.”

Dan Skywalker: “But Ben, I AM ready. Surely my training against Darth Canon has prepared me for every eventuality.”

Obi-Wienke-Kenobi: “Darth Canon was a worthy adversary, but Darth Nikon’s power continues to grow stronger. Go to the High Sierra’s and find Yoda’s brother, RikeMan.”

Dan Skywalker: “Ok Ben. But I am sure that I am ready.”

Obi-Wienke-Kenobi: “May the RAW be with you”.

Dan and Rob2 start packing their new equipment ready to set off to find RikeMan.

Scene3
The Empires PR group has just dropped out of hyper drive and is hot in pursuit of the renegade Thom Solo.

Schewebacca: “Grunt, grawh, grrrrooowwwl.”

Thom Solo: “OK Schewee, I see them. Raise the rear deflector shield and head for that asteroid belt over there.”

Princess Adobe: “Great move Thom! Did you really have to rattle the Empires cage by publicly drawing attention to their latest scheme.”

Thom Solo: “Hey, your Royal Highness. How was I to know that everyone was going to get so worked up about it?”.

Schewebacca: “Grooowwwn, graaaaawwwl.”

Thom Solo: “Yeh Schewee, they got us in the tractor beam. I guess we will be facing those LawTroopers again.”

Thom Solo’s ship is slowly drawn into the docking bay of Darth Nikon’s battlecruiser. Thom Solo, Schewebacca, and Princess Adobe are brought up before Darth Nikon.

Darth Nikon: “Your software is useless Princess Adobe against the might of the Empire. Once my encryption is in place I shall restore the Empire to its rightful glory.”

Princess Adobe: “You will never crush the OpenRAW alliance. Even now we have rebels decrypting your files.”

Darth Nikon: “Such threats don’t bother me. Even now my LawTroopers are tracking down your rebels and exterminating them.”

Darth Nikon to LawTrooper: “Lock them up. I will deal with them later.”

Darth Nikon to himself: “The RAW is strong in this one, perhaps if I can cripple her software then success will surely be mine.

Dum dum dum dum-di-dum dum-di-dum…the saga continues.

Usual Disclaimer: All the characters in this text are purely fictional and bear no relationship to anyone alive, dead, nearly dead or not yet born. Any relationship to actual facts and persons is purely co-incidental and, therefore, must be a product of your imagination.

Please feel free to continue this story, sticking to the themes and characters as laid out above.
————–
David Plummer

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Editor’s Note: in the midst of all the controversy recently unleashed, it’s useful to maintain one’s sense of humor. We thank DiaAzul (aka David Plummer) for keeping his! Even Thomas Knoll has posted to the thread.

This story was posted on Tuesday, April 26th, 2005 at 4:38 pm and is filed under Must Reads, Off Topic. You can follow any responses to this story through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.